Hijikata's first story
by MeganekkoTenshi
Summary: A new trend of writing stories is sweeping Edo and Hijikata decides to join in the fun. Lame name,I know. R&R pls!


**A/N Woot! I finally thought of something too write for Gintama \(^o^)/**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama.**

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"What the hell are you guys doing?!" the 'demon' vice-commander of the shinsengumi yelled. He was standing in an internet café (or what remained of it…) yelling at some of his subordinates.

"But… but… you're here too vice-commander …" Yamazaki managed to choke out.

"I'm not here to slack off like you asses. I'm here to do research on the Joui members."

Of course that was a blatant lie crafted by Hijikata (and a good one if he could say so himself). He came here to research more uses of mayonnaise but he definitely couldn't tell that to his subordinates, could he.

"Anyway, you guys still haven't told me the reason why you guys are here and not out catching Katsura!" Hijikata yelled, as he grabbed the half-dead Yamazaki. Deciding to give-in to Hijikata (considering the fact that if they didn't, going to hell was the least of their problems), the rest of the group who were in the debris told him.

"Well, you know the new popular trend of writing and posting stories or poems on fictionpress? Well, we sorta-kinda decidedtocheckitoutpleasedon'tkillusvicecommander!!!"

Silence fell in the ruined café.

"I should be having all of you committing seppuku now, but I feel kind today." Hijikata said, dropping Yamazaki on the floor. "You guys have to do extra duty to make up for the time you spent on that crap."

"Thank you, vice-commander!!" The group stood up and bowed immediately.

Truth be told, Hijikata had been rather interested in the new trend. Every where he walked, he could here it in conversations.

"_You're a man of justice, Hijikata. What would people say if they knew that you spend time writing fics instead of protecting the town?" his inner self told him._

"_You can register for an account and disguise yourself with a username, Hijikata." His other inner self told him._

"_But still…"_

"_No buts, and you know you want to do it, Toshi~"_

Hijikata felt like punching his other inner self. It was oddly annoying and it was being WAY too familiar with him.

But in the end he decided to follow his other inner self anyway. Directly after his inner self fight, he went straight to a un-destroyed-or-undergoing-construction internet café (which he found were growing exceedingly less). He sat in the comfortable chair and thought of a subject to write about. Of course, the first thing that came to mind was mayonnaise. And being the Japanese man he was, he decided to write a Haiku. Once it was done, he hurried to create an account and post it.

"This is kinda fun," Hijikata thought, "I should do this more often."

A small beep came from the computer. It was an e-mail notifying him of a review. Hijikata opened it and read its contents.

Mayora13,

A new review/comment has been submitted to your story.

From: Mayoisforlosers

I hate your Haiku, die you bastard,

Love, Mayoisforlosers

Hijikata froze. Following that, the café burst into flames. It was indeed a scary sight. Hijikata arose from the flames, like the devils reincarnation, and decided to murder (not to mention torture, and mentally/emotionally scar the person who sent that review.)

However, he found that that would prove to be a hard-task to accomplish as the review was not a signed in one so he had no leads on who sent it.

Hijikata thought, "Who would hate me enough to post such a reckless review as that?"

His mind flew to one person.

Sougo Okita.

Oh wait, there was another person.

The silver haired, natural permed bastard.

He decided to find Okita first, considering the fact that Hijikata actually knew where he was (or supposed to be anyway… he had the strange ability to be able to avoid Hijikata, proving that skill when he planted a bomb in Hijikata's room and managed to evade him for a month.)

He ran (flew) to Okita's current duty location only to find him asleep (with that creepy eye mask on) on a park bench.

"Sougo! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Hijikata yelled. Okita, hearing the voice of his (soon-to-NOT-be) superior, removed his eye mask and said, "Ah, Hijikata-san. Thanks for waking me up. What time is it?"

"Time for you to go to sleep eternally." Hijikata unsheathed his sword and swung it at Okita, however, he should have known that Okita would evade it. What he wasn't expecting was the large bruise that Okita left on Hijikata's face from swinging the bazooka (which he had produced out of nowhere) at him.

"Ow! You bastard, Sougo! Now I'm sure you're the one who wrote that nasty review for my Haiku on FictionPress!"

Okita, hearing the sudden leak in information from Hijikata, grinned a very evil, sadistic, grin. One that said, "Oooh, blackmail material!"

That moment, Hijikata knew two things.

1) Sougo wasn't the culprit.

2) He wasn't going to be let off with just a tease or two.

Oh, he was so dead.

"Err, so anyway Sougo, I'll be going now."

And with that, he sped to the Yorozuya.

_Ding dong_

"Shinpachi, get the door-aru" the female amanto yelled at the bespectacled boy.

"Why can't you get it, Kagura-chan?" Shinpachi replied calmly, "You're closer to the door."

_Clang_

Kagura flipped over the small table she had been sitting at and grabbed Shinpachi by the shirt.

"What's with this boy?!" Kagura yelled, "Is he rebelling? He's rebelling, right Gin-chan? He's rebelling right-aru?"

"Oi, Shinpachi, just get the damn door before Kagura kills you." Said silver-haired samurai replied, not looking up from the JUMP he was reading.

"OK, OK, I GET IT! Kagura-chan! Let go!" Shinpachi yelled, fearing for his life. The amanto tended to underestimate her strength. Kagura loosened her grip enough for Shinpachi to crawl out of it. He sped to the door.

_Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong_

The ring sped up.

"Yes, yes, coming. If it's the newspaper, we don't need it."

But before Shinpachi could even reach the door, it burst open, flinging Shinpachi back into the house.

"Oi! Come out, you silver haired, natural permed bastard! I know you're in there." Hijikata yelled.

"What's with all the racket? Lose your mayo, you freak?" Gintoki stood up and walked to the (now destroyed) corridor.

"So it was you!" Hijikata grabbed him by the shirt. "Apologize now."

"For what? Your birth?"

"No! For insulting all mayo-kind!"

"When exactly did I do that?" Gintoki yelled.

"Don't play dumb, you ass. You typed a bad review for my Haiku that I posted on FictionPress."

Gintoki's mask of nonchalance turned into a grin. A very evil, sadistic, grin. One that said, "Oooh, blackmail material!"

That moment, Hijikata knew two things.

1) The silver haired, natural permed bastard wasn't the culprit.

2) He wasn't going to be let off with just a tease or two.

Oh, he was so dead.

* * *

…

* * *

After finally escaping from Gintoki's (and Kagura's, who was getting tired of being ignored,) endless teasing, Hijikata began thinking who else besides these two could hate him enough to do that.

"_I told you, I told you, that it was a bad idea. Now not only you, but all mayo kind, have been insulted." His inner self scolded._

"_Aww shut up." His other inner self said, upper cutting his inner self._

"_That's not so nice…" His other, other, inner self said._

Hijikata began wondering how many inner selves one person could have.

More importantly… who else besides those two…

"_Still haven't figured it out, Hijikata-shi?" His other, other, othe- wait. This one was familiar._

"_It's me. Tosshi. Remember?"_

Oh right, it was that damn sword spirit.

"_That's mean of you Hijikata-shi! And besides, while I was in your body, did I not show you a certain episode of a certain detective show?"_

Hijikata thought. And he realized who the culprit was.

"Hee hee, Vice-commander is so stupid."

"Are you sure we won't get caught?" Yamazaki triple checked with his group of friends.

"Positive! Yamazaki, it's your turn. Just say what you've always wanted to say to the Vice commander."

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Don't worry; Vice commander is way too stupid to figure out it was us!"

The paper door slid open.

"_**What was that about the vice commander being too darned stupid?"**_

Yamazaki ceased typing. He knew this voice all too well (from the numerous times he got beaten up for playing badminton). He turned around slowly.

"Hi, vice commander… What happened to your research?" Yamazaki timidly asked.

Hijikata drew his sword, flames of anger surrounding him.

"Every single one of you will commit seppuku now or live a very. _Very. _**Very**_**. Very. Horrible life.**_"

"V-vice commander, aren't you being a little too ras- UWWAAAAAAHH."

"_**DIE!!!"**_

From that day, Yamazaki and his group of friends never involved themselves with FictionPress(.)com ever again, for if they did, memories of that horrible day would come flashing by. It really was a hell on earth.

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**A/N Longest fic I ever written *collapses on floor dead* I just had to add Okita in it (he being my fave chara and all). So that's the reason for his and Gintoki's short appearance (the other being it just wouldn't be a Hijikata fic without it). Did I make it a little too exaggerated? Uwaah, I'm sorry. People who review make the world a better place :)**


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